Small Fish. Big Pond.

2011-08-07T15:02:00.001-07:00

"Candles" - Daughters

A boy took me away into the night

Out of the hum of the street lights

and into the forest

I'll do whatever you say to me in the dark

I'm scared I'll be torn apart by a wolf in a mask

A familiar name on a birthday card

Blow out all the candles, blow out all the candles

You're too old to be so shy, he says to me

So i stay the night

Just a young heart confusing my mind.

But we're both in silence, wide eyed

We're both in silence, wide eyed

Like we're in a crime scene.

Well I have brittle bones it seems

I bite my tongue

and I torch my dreams

I have a little voice to speak with

and a mind of thoughts and secrecy

Things cannot be reversed

We learn from the times that we are cursed

That things cannot be reversed

Learn from the ones we fear the worst

and learn from the ones we hate the most

How to blow out all the candles, blow out all the candles

You're too old to be so shy

He says to me so I stay the night

He's just a young heart confusing my mind.

But we're both in silence, wide eyed

We're both in silence, wide eyed

'Cause we both know I'll never be your lover

I only bring the heat

Company under covers

Filling space in your sheets

I'll never be your lover

I only bring the heat

Company under covers

Filling space in your sheets

So please just blow out all the candles

Blow out all the candles

You're too old to be so shy

he says to me so I stay the night

He's just a young heart, confusing my mind

and we're both in silence, wide eyed

And we're both in silence, wide eyed

Like we're in a crime scene.

2011-07-31T17:48:00.000-07:00

I stood at MacArthur with a pang in my heart, knowing I would never again be standing there to wait for him. I would never be there again to see him.

2011-07-27T12:51:00.000-07:00

“I will remember the kisses our lips raw with love and how you gave me everything you had and how I offered you what was left of me, and I will remember your small room the feel of you the light in the window your records your books our morning coffee our noons our nights our bodies spilled together sleeping the tiny flowing currents immediate and forever your leg my leg your arm my arm your smile and the warmth of you who made me laugh again.” — Charles Bukowski

(found via tumblr)

2011-07-25T15:14:00.001-07:00

All this stress to end up filing $4 of taxes. Cool.

2011-07-25T13:27:00.001-07:00

I feel like I've lost so much this month.

2011-07-25T12:46:00.000-07:00

I feel scared. And alone. I don't know how to grow up and I just want to cry about it.

2011-07-03T18:35:00.001-07:00

Combien de fois dois-je pleurer?

2011-06-13T13:36:00.001-07:00

Tu as mon coeur, mon coeur brisé.

2011-06-12T18:47:00.000-07:00

Will you hold me if I cry
Will you miss me when I die

"Time is Coming" - The Elected

2011-06-12T17:20:00.001-07:00

I don't know if I can love you anymore.

2011-06-12T13:35:00.000-07:00

I don't know, should we just stick a fork in it?

2011-06-11T16:06:00.001-07:00

You are killing me.

2011-05-28T16:20:00.000-07:00

what's better. wallowing in self-despair alone. or secretly wallowing in self-despair amongst a bunch of stranger acquaintances?

2011-04-01T00:01:00.001-07:00

Why does everyone make a big fucking deal about me "not coming home". I am home ALL the fucking time. Total amount of times I have not been home in like the last forever months I've been back at home? FOUR. FOUR. It's not like I'm some drug addict who's laying in the streets trying sell tricks for crack and my family never sees me. I AM AT HOME. ALL. THE. FUCKING. TIME. They see me almost every fucking day. FUCK. I'm not 12. Let me grow up.

2011-03-20T23:00:00.000-07:00

Wow, I can't let this be the thing that breaks us apart. I mean, really...this is what I'm letting me annoy me to no end? This is what I'm hung up over? There were SO MANY WORSE THINGS that's happened. This is like...nothing. Wtf is wrong with me.

2011-03-20T21:14:00.001-07:00

F you. This is just some game isn't it. Fuck. You.

2011-03-20T18:22:00.000-07:00

(via 7 signs your honey may cheat)

Sign #2: Your sweetie is emotionally absent

Cheaters conceal their emotional whereabouts so they can be evasive about their physical whereabouts. Love is exhausting when you have to pry the truth out of a partner.

Consider this story: After enjoying a platonic friendship for a decade, Margaret and Roy began dating. Roy was a traveling sales manager. While he was on the road, Margaret heard from him only occasionally. But he continued to say he wanted to spend more time with her — which he never did. Margaret was obviously a low priority for him. She was shocked to learn he had another girlfriend across the country.

An emotionally absent partner may say what you want to hear, but will not change his or her actions — unless he or she wants to. Saying the right thing and doing the right thing are very different. If your honey talks a good game about spending more time with you and paying more attention to you but never delivers — look out! This person may be juggling multiple relationships.

my life?

Also, sweetie is super weird. Does anyone use that and it sounds natural?
Also, I did not go search out this article...it just popped up on yahoo.

2011-03-20T13:29:00.001-07:00

We were just getting started but now I feel it slowly slipping away.

2011-03-17T13:45:00.000-07:00

Does he love you?
Will he hold your tiny face in his hands?

I guess it's spring, I didn't know
It's always seventy-five with no melting snow

Rilo Kiley - Does He Love You?

random song that just came up on shuffle. Haven't listened to Rilo in a while.

2011-03-15T17:22:00.000-07:00

Gawd, his phone better be dead. Because I can't handle falling apart like this again. BECAUSE IT'S A FREAKING TUESDAY.

2011-03-12T11:11:00.001-08:00

I'm pretty sure he's not going to ask me go to the art show...

2011-03-02T22:51:00.001-08:00

Wow his timing for me not having to get my phone all wet is really really spectacular.

2011-02-27T14:09:00.000-08:00

Hmmm, found a picture of me on someone's facebook. I pull off not looking totally wasted really well in photographs, when I need to. I look slightly caught by surprise though...haha.

2011-02-26T20:28:00.001-08:00

Watching old video tapes:
"...and her favorite song is "Homework"! Is there really a song out there called "Homework"?

I'm pretty sure my questionnaire was doctored. Not only did I have limited knowledge of pop culture at the time, my mother or someone else probably thought having a favorite song called "Homework" would reflect highly on my character. Right. That's great. And so embarrassing. (Also because I remember her making me change the answer of my favorite show from the "Rugrats" to "Looney Toons" - to this day my mother is adamant that Rugrats is about bad kids teaching kids how to be bad, and stab people or something? LOL)

2011-02-26T00:32:00.000-08:00

On another note, why lie to me about not being in France? I don't even know you. I don't care. I didn't even really have to play detective to know this... WHY IS IT SO HARD FOR PEOPLE TO TELL ME THE TRUTH? Bordel de merde!

Edit: Except, it appears this person tells everyone that they live in this other country....but their ip address clearly says France. I am confused?

2011-02-25T23:52:00.000-08:00

Avoir confiance en toi est si difficile pour moi. Je voudrais être heureuse. Laisse-moi être heureuse, s'il te plaît.

2011-02-23T16:32:00.001-08:00

Broken dates.

2011-02-22T23:30:00.000-08:00

I appreciate my mother's enthusiasm, but holy crap I'm mad...don't just take my merchandise without telling me and then sell it for LESS...and also not give me my money. I have a hard enough time keeping track of my shit without her taking it and screwing up my confusing little inventory.

2011-02-22T22:58:00.000-08:00

MY MOTHER IS DRIVING ME INSANE.

2011-02-22T18:26:00.000-08:00

I am currently hating EVERYTHING. And for once, the boy is not the source of all my problems/anger issues.
GAWD. I need to scream and punch things.

2011-02-22T18:10:00.000-08:00

I just fucking want a phone that functions. FUCK.

2011-02-12T19:11:00.000-08:00

This weather is horrible for revenge. Lol Also, I don't know if I want revenge anymore.

2011-02-12T03:33:00.000-08:00

Fuck. You. B.

Shit is going to go down tonight fucker.

Too bad I'll probably end up being too nice I about it.

But I seriously can't believe what you are doing to me.

You are a dog.

And yet I am a moth. to your fucking stupid flame.

LET ME GO. JUST LET ME GO. PLEASE.

2011-02-11T12:51:00.000-08:00

My horoscopes of late have been giving me pretty good advice that seem to really actually be in tune with what's been going on in my life. (Whether I actually follow them and do what they say is another question...but still. These have been creepy good.)

Today's: You'll face opposition if you bring up emotional matters with friends, relatives, neighbors or your lover. Listen to the other side of the story. Using emotional blackmail will backfire, leaving you in a no-win situation. 2 stars.

It's like it's been reading my mind and then telling me don't go there, don't do any crazy shiz girl, You've messed up enough already. Dang horoscope, dang. Why you know me so well? Well technically...I wasn't going to do any of this, I've just imagined it (like RIGHT before I read my horoscope) but basically this reinforces what I know I should and shouldn't do in my current situation.

2011-02-11T12:09:00.000-08:00

"I don’t see everything as right, it’s not right; I don’t see everything as right & wrong, it’s so wrong, but i don’t see everything as wrong.”
-Eisley, The Valley

2011-02-10T23:46:00.000-08:00

Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia: Fear of long words

well that's just kind of cruel hah.

2011-02-09T15:25:00.000-08:00

Adele's 21 is currently the soundtrack to my life, but without the feelings of love. I don't think I'll ever be able to fall in love, but I amazingly I can still get hurt.

The most horrible irony...is this irony? I don't know. 21. The name of the album, is the age of the...the enemy (lol).

Here's a collage of lyrics to express how this is my fucking soundtrack.

"You made a fool out of me,
And, boy, you're bringing me down,
You made my heart melt, yet I'm cold to the core"

"I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited,
I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it,
I'd hoped you'd see my face and be
reminded that for me it wasn't over"

"Will he, will he still remember me?
Will he still love me even when he's free?
Or will he go back to the place where he will choose the poison over me?"

"When will I see you again?
You left with no goodbye, not a single word was said
No final kiss to seal anything
I had no idea of the state we were in."

"Hold me closer one more time,
Say that you love me in your last goodbye,
Please forgive me for my sins,
Yes, I swam dirty waters,
But you pushed me in,
[...]
But we had time against us,
And miles between us,
The heavens cried,
I know I left you speechless"

"I dare you to let me be your
Your one and only
I promise I'm worth it
To hold in your arms
So come on
And give me a chance
To prove I am the one who can
Walk that mile
Until the end starts"

2011-01-29T01:35:00.000-08:00

I'm not letting you seduce me quite so easily this time. But please try. ;)

2011-01-26T16:53:00.001-08:00

I like reading my horoscope in the middle of the day and realizing that I did the exact opposite of what it had recommended.

2011-01-25T23:42:00.000-08:00

I deleted most of my rambling.

I'm clearly having some issues.

but I think I'm on some crazy introspective roller coaster right now. Let's see if I can find myself before I get nauseous and puke some more all over the internet.

2011-01-25T17:12:00.000-08:00

Oh frack, my plan isn't going to work ~~because (1) is not in the same city as (2) at least not until really late at night, whereas they may just as well switch cities as they are going home for the evening.~~ I'm not gonna get any of the information I wanted. And here I was thinking this would be the stealth way to figure out once and for all. And now. And now, I really can't do anything even if I wanted to lest I look like a fool.

At least I have a plan B set into motion. Please take the bait. TAKE THE BAIT. and spill your guts. Except without the gathering of the information I had planned on getting tonight, plan's B information won't matter so much... what the heck am I talking about, it'll matter. Because I'll know something. but I'm afraid it's going to be something I don't want to hear.

2011-01-25T14:09:00.001-08:00

Introspection: I don't know who I am anymore. Or did I ever?

2011-01-24T21:35:00.000-08:00

I was listening to Adele's "Someone like you" today and it made me cry-but only a little bit. It felt good to actually cry a little, as opposed to always wanting to cry, but not being able to.

I feel a little less sad, after being able to cry.

Everyday for the past week, I've woken up and felt a different sadness, a different emotion. I'm constantly torn. I'm constantly conflicted. Trying to talk myself out of feeling certain ways, trying to convince myself of different things, trying to tell myself who cares. Ultimately, I care...even if it's just a little bit, it still hurts. And it tears down my self-esteem. It tears down my self worth. It makes me question if I'm deserving. I think very little myself and I know I never give myself enough credit. I'm weak. I want to cry writing about this (but surprise, I can't), essentially I'm attacking myself but I feel like maybe this can set me free. And then maybe I can change myself for the better.

"I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited, But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it. I hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded..."

2011-01-23T00:25:00.001-08:00

oh no.

2011-01-22T17:24:00.001-08:00

Let's turn this shiz around. 6 and a half more hours of a fucked up, melodramatic 2011, and then it's a new year.

2011-01-22T11:55:00.001-08:00

I'm honestly just becoming some sort of emotional wreck.

2011-01-19T00:10:00.001-08:00

putain de connard. Laisse-moi. Quitte-moi. C'est fini.

2010-12-25T12:37:00.000-08:00

Of course within minutes of being awake, my sister is already a raging betch and ruins any christmas spirit anyone could have. whore.

2010-12-21T19:27:00.000-08:00

I'm tired of my parents not understanding anything I do. UGH. Explaining is so pointless and just makes me mad. KJDHFLJSDHFjdfs

2010-12-05T23:32:00.000-08:00

I think it's funny how everyone's updating their facebook profile with new information since changing to new updated profile. I'm refusing to change it until they inevitably change it for me. *sigh.

2010-12-05T20:15:00.000-08:00

I'm stupid for liking him. But total validation last night from F that what he wrote was RIDICULOUS. There are apparently only 2 people who understand me when it comes to him. Explaining to other people makes me feel like I'm losing my grip on reality. I didn't even have to say anything to F and she brought up how frustrating and lksjdhaljd that comment was.

2010-12-03T22:46:00.001-08:00

The only thing holding me back is me. But it's really hard to fight with someone who is indifferent towards everything.

2010-11-27T21:33:00.001-08:00

wow so lots of crying leads to worse dark circle under the eyes than a quarter of not sleeping. Who knew? fml

2010-11-27T18:13:00.000-08:00

4am driving+rain+crying+swollen eyes. Worst idea ever.

2010-11-24T12:56:00.000-08:00

How mister. How do you do it. Why does this happen so easily. Frustrating.

2010-11-10T02:42:00.000-08:00

Déprimée ou apathique? Je ne sais pas.

2010-10-27T19:37:00.000-07:00

I don't really care about baseball...not even sure why it's on my tv right now. But I gotta admit, Tony Bennett singing "God Bless America" was pretty cute.

2010-09-16T20:08:00.000-07:00

Hulu just gave me a commerical about the UC Davis Health System WHAT?!

2010-09-13T08:47:00.000-07:00

SEVERE MENTAL BLOCKS. STILL HAVEN'T STARTED MY PAPER DUE TODAY. JDKLFKDJSHFLJHFGLDS

2010-09-07T21:16:00.000-07:00

You make me fall for you every time.

Stop it.

2010-09-06T16:47:00.001-07:00

i am freaking the f out. i don't know what to do for this stinkin' project. a;kdjshflkajsdh

2010-09-02T15:56:00.001-07:00

All thoughts leave my head and I panic almost each and every time. I know I blew it this time.

2010-09-02T00:50:00.000-07:00

I honestly feel like my life is ending...as the clock ticks closer, my heart beats faster. I am so on the verge of some mental breakdown/depression. I'm so anxious, my heart is going to EXPLODE. I don't know any other life.

2010-08-24T16:54:00.001-07:00

i think the spark is gone.

2010-08-14T22:34:00.000-07:00

be strong. don't do anything. it's okay to ignore strangers. Totally okay to ignore awkward strangers.

2010-08-14T05:42:00.001-07:00

why can't i sleep. It's almost 6am :|

2010-07-30T15:56:00.000-07:00

I'm kind of wondering if I've been sending PG&E checks made out to AT&T. I don't remember writing PG&E checks...but I do kinda vaguely recall writing AT&T checks...even though all my stuff for AT&T is online... I mean my PG&E payments have gone through...but... I don't remember who i made the checks out to....

2010-07-29T02:10:00.000-07:00

Greetings FIDM Grads!

I can not believe it is almost six months since you graduated.

Wtf? I just got this message. and I graduated over 4 years ago. Random.

2010-07-26T23:10:00.000-07:00

I'm gonna make bacon. what should i eat it with. i don't need to eat it with anything.ok.

2010-07-25T23:00:00.001-07:00

a bug keeps jumping on me. please make it stop.

2010-07-20T15:20:00.000-07:00

I wanna beat someone up right now. Mainly this so-called "Committee" at school, they don't know how to read and comprehend. SUCK IT!!! aklrdjghljshgdlhasdjahglahdglhfuadkajsdfhataeohaksjhyiaseuyooiu

2010-07-17T21:36:00.001-07:00

a stupid moth flew inside. Now I have to be on the lookout for a dead moth somewhere probs tomorrow or later. guh.

2010-07-16T16:48:00.000-07:00

I honestly wanted to scream out in frustration and exasperation in the middle of the coding midterm.

2010-07-15T03:02:00.001-07:00

I spent all day wearing mismatched shoes. -_-'

2010-07-14T02:42:00.000-07:00

Cool, someone just asked if I was French. Either I have tricked them or they want to know if im some arrogant person with too much love for their country.

BONNE FÊTE NATIONALE!!!

You have made it when you start getting anonymous questions on the interwebz.

Edit: You know what. No. Even if I was French, you can't fault me for saying Vive La France. It's called being Patriotic. People just need to get over hating the French. SO YES!!! I HAVE SUCCEEDED IN SEEMING FRENCH! Without even typing that much French. thank you, thank you.

2010-07-10T16:49:00.000-07:00

lethargic. it's too hot, I can't work on my project. AND I've forgotten to file for graduation. WTF.FML.a;sdlkjf;akdjsf;

2010-07-06T15:39:00.001-07:00

eastern medicine ftw?

2010-07-05T19:17:00.000-07:00

Hey A-HOLE. There's a stop sign there for a reason buddy. LEARN TO DRIVE.

2010-06-26T17:46:00.001-07:00

Why is this book so effing expensive?!? And it's freaking paperback. asldjkfakjsdf;

2010-06-24T23:04:00.001-07:00

was just watching Parks & Rec and had to lol at this:
"You make a better door than a… guy…" - drunk Leslie Knope

2010-06-22T00:58:00.000-07:00

Ugh. Embarrassing being a French supporter. Not embarrassed about thinking Yoann Gourcuff is a total cutie though. I feel bad that he is kind of the outcast of his team :( You don't need them, you're so cute and they're acting horrendously.

2010-06-17T02:31:00.000-07:00

and now i have no one.

2010-06-15T14:24:00.000-07:00

Heartbroken. Sorta. I literally did miss it. I should have ran over anyway. Now it is all gone.

Edit 06/17/10 02:05am: Even more so. To have it end like this.

2010-06-13T02:11:00.000-07:00

A great end to our spring quarter at Sophia's. Just when we had basically become regulars... the quarter's over and I'll probably not be able to go as much over the summer. Kinda in love with the band that played tonight: Hey Marseilles. They have an ACCORDIAN. as well as a trumpet, violin, and cello. LOVE. I was asked to hold the violinist's bow? Kinda random but cool. I was very confused at first. My one drink tonight was really strong haha. Then during the song "Rio" they had the crowd clap...but the clapping pattern was really complex...to me... and I couldn't get it down for the life of me lol. But then the violinist handed me his tambourine and amazingly I had the rhythm down sufficiently enough. Idk how that happened. I felt a lot of pressure haha. But I just followed along and had a lot of fun.

then I acted like a total teenage fangirl. and got their setlist and had the majority of the band sign it. I am way too old for that. idk what came over me. probs the good music and the alcohol.

If you like Beirut, you should definitely check out Hey Marseilles.

2010-06-09T18:10:00.000-07:00

I wasn't going to do it. I couldn't do it... so now I HAVE to do it. I have to do it. I have to. somehow.

2010-06-08T02:44:00.001-07:00

now would be a good time to start studying for my final. that is in 5 hours.

2010-06-07T06:20:00.001-07:00

Me and the sunrise are like bffs. I see it almost every day.

2010-06-07T03:46:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure how I'm gonna finish this paper. I just want to cry kinda. This has been the most non-helpful french class of my life. I mean, I'm still not sure what the point of this class was, and it's basically over. I need like 1200 more words. I only have 280 something. FML FML FML. I don't know what i'm even talking about.

2010-06-06T01:51:00.000-07:00

#3 #3 #3.
what is up with all this inadvertent eye contact?
#3 #3 #3.
*le sigh

2010-06-03T02:19:00.001-07:00

eating some dinner at 2:19am.
Chicken noodly.

2010-05-31T18:04:00.001-07:00

almost stabbed myself with knife again.

2010-05-31T14:13:00.001-07:00

this makes me like you even less.
congrats in pushing me further away.

2010-05-30T17:06:00.000-07:00

WOAH WOAH WOAH. taste of my own medicine. someone is possibly stalking me. how they found me. I don't know. OKAY. NEED TO DO MY PROJECTS.

I feel violated, but I guess it's been my choice to post about my life online.

2010-05-30T17:02:00.001-07:00

fraking the frak out. a;ksdfhjlkajshdf

2010-05-24T01:18:00.001-07:00

I may possibly be the most unproductive person ever.

2010-05-23T21:55:00.001-07:00

This is not going well. I feel like none of this is what I researched. wtf. hate this f-ing class.

2010-05-23T14:56:00.000-07:00

Wow. I'm a freakin nerd. Not really keeping up with what's going on in the world, I saw someone post something asking what people thought about Rand Paul. My first thought was...Paul Rand? Then I discovered No, not Paul Rand. But some dude actually named Rand Paul. Guh.

2010-05-16T03:04:00.000-07:00

Taylor Goldsmith smiled at me last night.
#3 danced next to me tonight.

2010-05-09T14:49:00.001-07:00

Oh man. Benjamin Siksou song is on right now. LOVE HIM. SOUNDS SO GOOD.

2010-05-09T14:30:00.000-07:00

Listening to radio show "On connait la musique" avec Thierry Lecamp pour la sortie de l'album "So in love" de André Manoukian// for the album drop of André Manoukian's "So in Love" featuring Cocoon, Camélia Jordana (singing "What a Wonderful World" right now), and Benjamin Siksou <3